


Plan B

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When King Richard returns, forgives his brother and makes him his heir, the gang must come up with another crazy plan to save England.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plan B

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** Written for the crazy fic challenge at [](http://www.dreamwidth.org/profile?user=hoodland)[](http://www.dreamwidth.org/profile?user=hoodland)**hoodland**. Got honorable mention. Also, note the rating of this fic - it's not what you think. Believe me, if it was, I'd warn you. ;)

"PULL!" Guy yelled, grunting heavily.  
"I AM PULLING!" Robin protested, his voice pained.  
"WELL, PULL HARDER!" Guy bellowed, groaning.  
"I'M PULLING AS HARD AS I CAN!" Whined Robin.  
"I THINK MY SISTER CAN PULL HARDER THAN YOU, ROBIN!"  
"ARE YOU CALLING ME A WEAKLING, GISBORNE?!"

Guy thought for a moment. "YES." He then answered.

"I AM NO WEAKL..." Robin began to say.  
"SHUT UP, IT'S COMING." Interrupted Guy.  
"IT'S NOT COMING! IT'S NOT MOVED AN INCH!"  
"IT'S COMING, ROBIN! I CAN FEEL IT!"  
"IT'S NOT! IT'S JUST SLIPPERY!" Robin disagreed.  
"IT'S COMING!" Guy repeated, breathing a loud sigh.  
"IT'S NOT!" Robin cried.  
"IS TOO!"  
"IS NOT!"  
"IS....WAIT, WHY ARE WE YELLING?!" Guy asked.  
"I DON'T KNOW. YOU STARTED IT." Robin retorted, shrugging his shoulders.  
"DID NOT!" Yelled Guy.  
"DID TOO!" Screamed Robin.  
"SHUT UP, BOBBIN!"  
"MAKE ME, GUYLINER!"  
"OI!" Allan finally yelled, holding onto his head tightly as he reclined against a nearby tree. "WHY DON'T YOU BOTH SHUT UP! YOU'RE MAKING MY HEAD HURT! I'M NOT BEING FUNNY!"  
"That's not our fault, is it Allan?" Robin asked him. "We begged you not to run off drinking with that horde of sexy servant girls last night, even if the _were_ dressed like nuns."  
"Yeah, it's your own fault you're so hungover and tired." Guy said, sneering. "And, of course, doing absolutely NOTHING to help us."

Allan growled in reply, burying his head into his knees.

Robin looked up at Guy, cracking a slight grin. "Did we just agree on something, Gisborne?"  
"I think we did, Robin." Guy responded, cracking a lopsided smile.  
"We've really grown in these last few weeks, haven't we?" Robin asked, chuckling.  
"That, we have." Guy said. "Now, are we going to do this, or are you just going to continue being a pain in my arse all day?"  
"Fine." Robin spat, looking annoyed as he steadied his grip.  
"FINE." Guy barked. "NOW. PULL!!!"  
"UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!" Robin moaned, pulling as hard as he could.  
"THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT! IT'S COMING! I FEEL IT!" Bellowed Guy.  
"IT'S NOT COMING! IT'S... IT'S... WHOA!!!" Robin exclaimed, as his hands slipped off the moist hilt, knocking Guy's own hands free as they shot up in the air wildly. Their balance lost, Robin and Guy wobbled backwards and tumbled off the stone dais they were standing on, landing on the cool, grassy ground with a loud _THUMP!_ They groaned loudly, looking quite defeated and staring up at the glittering, silver sword sticking out of the dais - the object they were trying so desperately to pull free.

"Honestly, Tuck," Robin sighed, turning his head to look the priest, who was standing only a short distance from them. "I don't think this sword is going _anywhere._ "  
"Be that as it may, we must still find a way to get it free. The future of England depends on it." Tuck replied.  
"The future of England depends on a sword..." Guy muttered, staring at the priest as if he'd been hitting the happy mushrooms again. He quickly pushed himself off the ground and walked over to Tuck. "Right...Whatever you say."  
"This is Excalibur! The sword in the stone! Whomever pulls it free will be king of all England, as ordained by God. Or something like that." Tuck exclaimed happily, grinning from ear to ear.  
"We already have a king." Guy replied.  
"Yes. We do." Tuck frowned. "A king who has returned home and forgiven his treacherous brother, before declaring him the heir to the throne. We may have won the day, but once Prince John is crowned king, our nightmare begins again."  
"And this is?" Guy asked, looking over at the sword.  
"Plan B." The priest responded, smiling. "Once the sword is free, Robin can use it to challenge Prince John for the throne, thus saving England and vanquishing evil for all time."

Guy blinked. "Why Robin? Why can't I be king?"

Tuck burst out in a fit of laughter.

"You...King?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He wheezed between laughs. "Might as well leave Prince John in place, for all the good you'd do! Or better yet: let's just crown Allan! HA!"

Guy groaned, and leaned toward Robin.  
"That was an insult, wasn't it?" He whispered.  
"Oh, yes." Robin muttered, nodding.

"Right." Tuck said, finally catching his breath and wiping tears from his eyes. "In any case, if we cannot pull the sword free, we must find another way to get it out."  
"That's cheating." Guy said, shaking his head. "Tsk. Tsk. Tsk."  
"Since when do you care about cheating?" Asked Robin, looking quite shocked.  
"Since you won't let me kill people." Replied Guy, deadpan.  
"We've been over this, Gisborne." Robin sighed, looking annoyed.  
"I fail to see how it's different. You cheat, you steal, you occasionally kill, and everyone loves you. I stab a few annoying peasants, make threats, yell a lot, and everyone wants to see my head on a pole!" Guy whined. "It's not fair."  
"IT _IS_ FAIR. IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!" Robin howled.  
"IS NOT!"  
"IS TOO!"  
"IS NOT!" Guy yelled.  
"IS TOO!" Robin screamed.

"ARRRRRRRRGH!" Allan suddenly growled through gritted teeth as he pushed himself off the ground angrily. He held onto his violently throbbing head tightly with one hand as he plodding over to the dais as swiftly as his feet would carry him. He then grabbed onto the sword and with one gentle tug, pulled it free of its stone prison.

"There's your stupid, sodding sword!" He grumbled at them, thrusting the sword into the ground at Guy and Robin's feet. "Now, can you PLEASE stop yelling?"

Guy, Robin and Tuck stared at Allan in utter shock, then at the sword, then to Allan, back to the sword, and then, finally, to their new king - their mouths gaping wide all the while.

So much for Plan B.

"Of...of course." Tuck finally muttered as quietly as he could. "Your... _highness._ "  
"Finally..." Allan said, turning to walk away. "It's about time I get some respect around here..."<


End file.
